Hurry. You don't want to be late for your first wrestling practice.
But I want to finish my Middle Earth diorama.
I got to put more hair on Frodo's feet.
Hey, Larry!
Just found a rotten hamburger in a Dumpster. Want in?
No. I'm dropping Hunter off. I gotta get home to Kate.
She's in heat. This is the first day we've had any alone time.
No Hunter, no Sierra, no Sarmoti.
Just Kate and me and 45 minutes.
A little bungle in the jungle?
A little zoom-zoom in the boom-boom?
What's zoom-zoom in the boom-boom?
Who wants a Gandalf action figure?
Cool!
- See you later, buddy. - Bye, Dad.
Hey, guys, who wants to zoom-zoom in the boom-boom?
Okay, okay. Still got plenty of good wife time.
Larry! Wait!
Do you have that spare key to my house I gave you?
The turkey locked you out?
I don't know what you're implying, but the turkey's my roommate.
We have separate bedrooms. An economic arrangement.
I was tired of cooking for one.
Oh, screw it, I'll get my key from someone else!
Chutney!
Larry, is that a mole? I can't tell. Be honest.
Roger, I can't do a mole check now!
Do you know how much it took
to make myself that vulnerable to you, crapface?
I'm on my way to a party by the reptile house.
I probably won't take drugs, but I won't really know until I get there.
That's fine. See you later. Yes!
Kate...
Big Daddy's home and he's ready for lovin'!
It may be 9:00 in New York,
but right here, it's mountin' time.
Oh, hi, Larry.
Foo-Lin? Aw, man.
Bright light city's gonna set my soul
Gonna set my soul on fire
I got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn
So get those stakes up higher
I'm gonna give it everything I got
Lady Luck, please, let the dice stay hot
Let me shoot a seven with every shot
Hey, viva Las Vegas
Viva Las Vegas
Viva Viva
Las Vegas
I hope you weren't gonna use this stand.
I just get so hungry when I realize I don't have a man and I never will!
Yeah, that's sad. All right, look.
We've got a half hour till your dad gets home.
This isn't really the time.
This is the perfect time.
You're in heat, I'm not hungry, I just peed...
Oh, that's very romantic, Larry, but it's not gonna happen.
Well, perhaps this will change your mind.
I... hate... my... life.
My best friend is two feet away, weeping on our couch.
Oh, my God, there she is!
That's my stupid sister!
I can't believe she's having a baby!
Great. You're gonna be an aunt.
Great? She's younger than I am. It's humiliating. Does she look fat?
Well, she is pregnant.
Oh, stop taking her side!
My sister has a husband and a baby on the way!
I have nothing.
Not even my jewelry-making business is going well.
At least I've got Mr. Right.
Mr. Right's the only man who loves me.
Aren't you, Mr. Right?
Oh, God, I'm gonna be alone forever!
No, you are not. You'll find someone.
Realistically, Kate, her chances are pretty slim.
Why? Because I'm fat and over 30 and a virgin?
Is that what you mean, Larry, huh? I don't deserve love?
No, because there's only, like, six pandas left in the entire world.
It's just the odds.
I mean, you just need to get out there, Foo-Lin.
Stop trying to solve my problems. Just let me have my feelings.
Oh, God, is that whack-job spinster here again?
You're funny.
Everyone, this is Ava. Her TV is on the fritz and we have to watch
the World Series of Poker over here. So if you could just clear out
so we'll have enough room to do what we have to do.
- Is that the panda who's pregnant? - That's my slutty sister.
It's torture having to watch this.
Oh, no. Why?
It's just...
Don't I deserve happiness too?
Oh, honey, of course you do!
Foo-Lin, you are beautiful and smart and creative.
I know, and that's exactly what scares men away!
Why can't they just accept a woman
who completely has her act together?!
That cockamamie broad has got to go.
Tonight, she's gonna put me in a sailor suit.
Do me a favor: just eat me now.
Yeah, you know I would, but house cats give me acid reflux.
Kate, can I sleep over? I don't want to be alone tonight.
Or ever. Oh, God, what's wrong with me?
I'll tell you what's wrong. Your ovaries are turning into concrete.
Go home! Get out of here!
Oh, Sarmoti, you always know how to make me laugh!
Foo-Lin, you stay as long as you want.
Quiet! Look at the TV!
His name is Bong Bong and he's about to take a journey
to Las Vegas where he has been purchased
by Siegfried and Roy with the purpose of starting a panda breeding program.
In other news...
Oh, my God. A male panda, coming here.
- What are the odds? - This could be fate!
Who am I kidding? It won't work out.
I'll be sleeping in your living room forever.
Trust me. It'll work out.
Okay, so here's the plan. We get to the new panda early
so we can trick him into hooking up with Foo-Lin
before he finds out she's nuts.
She's not nuts, Larry. She's going through a tough time.
Whatever. If Foo-Lin is still on our couch tomorrow,
I'm buying a gun on the Internet and hiring someone with fingers to shoot me.
What is this planet we have landed on, Roy?
I know not, Siegfried.
But it has some very strange creatures on it.
Oh, we're strange?
What kind of astronaut wears a rhinestone codpiece?
Yeah, well you don't get to have an opinion,
since you made me sleep on the couch last night...
...roommate.
We will take these pandas, of which there are only six in North America,
and we will mate them and create more magnificent giant pandas!
Once again, they shall roam the plains in great herds
as they did before the white man came.
So, ladies and gentlemen, guests of the Mirage,
- without further ado... - We present to you...
Bong Bong, the giant panda!
All right, who wants in on the panda action?
Two to one, he seals the deal,
three to one his seed takes purchase.
By the way, Larry, I got odds on you and Kate
- hooking up at three to two. - Really? That good?
...the process of mating a giant panda,
first and most important step, you must have another panda.
Hi, I'm Nelson.
Nelson? I thought your name was Bong Bong.
Bong Bong? Oh, that's my slave name.
I'm Larry and this is my wife, Kate.
Married. That's great. How long?
Well, let's see...
When did Lynyrd Skynyrd crash... add ten years...
Seventeen years.
That is an achievement. Especially in show business.
Great to meet you.
Hey, how'd you like to swing by the Watering Hole for a drink later?
- I'd love to. - Great.
Goodbye, Earthen-freunds.
We must be leaving you now and returning to the stars.
Ja, we're giving Saturn a new ring.
Things are getting serious!
Boy, those guys are a hoot.
Yeah, it gets old real fast.
Don't tell me anything about him. I want to approach with an open mind.
I can't stand it! Is he cute?
Very cute, funny, smart...
Sounds like he's in love with himself.
Great, all right, I'm gonna go back to your house.
Foo-Lin, you haven't even met him yet. Give him a chance.
Oh, Foo-Lin, hi!
It's so great to see you!
I hate that black-and-white depresso ball.
Hey, Foo-Lin.
Look. Yummy!
Please, Dad, Larry and I are fixing her up with the new panda.
We're hoping there's gonna be chemistry.
Chemistry? What chemistry?
"You're a panda, I'm a panda."
Thanks for the ride. Tell your friends.
So, you're from Beijing.
Must have some great Chinese food there.
It's not as good as New York.
Oh, look, Kate's best friend, Foo-Lin, the female giant panda is here!
What's going on?
- Is this a fix-up? - It's a drink.
- You didn't tell me there'd be girls! - Nelson, come back!
The bear be gay! New odds!
Nelson, what's going on?
Nothing, nothing! It's just...
I have had very little experience with women.
- How little? - None.
I've never even seen another panda.
So that would make you a virgin.
The dudes don't need to know that!
What up, playuh?
This isn't going to mean much since you've never been with a woman,
but it's really, really good.
It's looking like it's not going to happen for me again
until you and Foo-Lin hook up.
I'm not good under pressure.
I sweat, and my fur gets all matted.
This isn't as hard as you think. You just need a hook.
Something about you that makes you special.
- I can rap. - What?
I could make up a rap and lay it on her...
Under no circumstances should you bust a rhyme.
No. I think we'll sell you with...
Okay, I'm just gonna say it, you're cute as a button.
Oh, I hate that. Cute is for babies. Can't we just say I'm good-looking?
No.
Foo-Lin, I'd like to introduce you to Nelson.
- Nelson, this is Foo-Lin. - Hey, Nelson.
If you smell something, it's not me, it's not.
Right. I'll go get us some drinks.
I'll help.
So, do you like trees? Trees are pretty.
What's with this guy?
Just give him a chance, he's gonna settle down.
My name is Nelson I'm a pandadapper
I kick it old-school like a gangsta rapper
He's directly disobeying my orders. He's gone broken arrow.
Let me talk to him.
Nelson, this chair is uneven.
Can you do me a favor and eat two inches off this leg?
Look, Nelson, I think you're trying too hard.
Really?
Yeah. Relax, you're a great guy.
You're smart and funny and cute.
Cute?
Oh, I mean, handsome. You've got WASP-y good looks like James Spader.
- You think so? - Absolutely.
Look, just be who you are.
Any woman would be lucky to have you.
Thanks, Kate.
The guy is walking this dog and the dog says to himself,
"It's always 'Good dog,' it's never 'Great dog.'"
I love The New Yorker, yeah.
Our experiment unfolds.
Soon, we will unlock the mysteries of panda sensuality.
Luckily we are perfectly camouflaged for the observation process.
Do you think the Red Sox are going to go all the way this year?
I don't even know you anymore.
So I said, "I'm not feeling too good.
Do I have dark circles under my eyes?"
You're funny. You're right, he's cool.
You're doing great.
Yeah. It's great. She's great, I'm great. It's all just great.
You know what else is great? I am in love with you.
What?
Kate loves me, she loves me not,
she loves me, she loves me not...
I am not understanding.
The female panda should have been all over him.
- He is hot, ja? - He's okay.
Obviously, we don't like the same kind of pandas.
So, what do we do now, Mr. Smarty-hosen?
Scientist!
What are these bottles?
These are animal pheromones developed in our laboratory.
I have them for chimps, elephants, flamingoes and, of course, pandas.
And, as you know, pheromones are the key to sexual attraction
in the animal kingdom.
"Shake well. Apply directly to panda. Repeat as needed."
Are you sure this will work?
They're very powerful.
I am not convinced, scientist. We will let nature take its course.
Go back to the lab and finish cloning my grandmother.
Nein!
- Did Nelson say anything about me? - We haven't really talked to him yet.
Yeah, well, I don't want to get too excited
'cause usually I get crapped on, but it can't hurt to be positive.
Yeah... well, sometimes it can hurt.
- Do you know something? - Hey, Foo-Lin,
there's a leftover coffee table on the patio if you want it.
I'm watching my waist.
Especially now that I have a potential new boyfriend.
Well, maybe just a nibble.
This is a disaster. You have to talk some sense into Nelson.
How am I going to do that?
I bet my potential new boyfriend is a really great kisser!
I just have a feeling...
I bring flowers for the most wonderful woman in the world.
Oh, my God, flowers for me! I'm so happy!
Oh, hey, Nelson.
I'm gonna go put these in flowers... I mean water!
You know, those were for you. They're daisies.
Because I think about you every day, see?
Nelson, this can't happen.
Oh, you say that now, but I'm going to change your mind.
Help me.
Come on, let's have a little talk.
What are you doing here?
Come on.
We need to talk about you and Kate.
It sickens me that she's lain beneath you.
That's how it works, right?
I mean, I might need to know for later.
Look, Nelson, I think you're a little confused here.
Oh, yeah? Well, I might not know how to tango,
but I know how to man-dance. Bring it, meat!
Come on, you want some of this?
Damn it, you're too adorable!
Don't hurt me. I can't take a punch.
Fat has a lot of nerve endings.
Nelson, take a seat.
On the chair.
I love Kate, Larry. I can't help it. She's my perfect woman.
No, she isn't. You have a crush on her because she's the first woman
- that was ever nice to you. - My mom was nice to me.
Nelson, I know you don't have a lot of experience,
but as a dude, we don't really count moms.
And not to dash your dreams, but Kate is a lion, and you're a panda.
And she's married to me. It's not gonna happen.
Oh, you're right.
- I am such a dork. - Don't feel bad.
Look, you got great taste. Kate's special.
I acted like an idiot.
Don't sweat it.
You wouldn't believe the stuff I did when I first met Kate.
I wrote poetry. I made her a necklace out of roadkill.
I even sang to her: Billy Joel.
Happens to all of us. When I first met my true love, Glinda,
I must have wrote 30 songs in one weekend.
Travis, get in here!
Then she up and died and I got stuck with this bitch.
Anyway, you know what I mean.
Hey, thanks for setting me straight.
I've come a long way since I climbed up that tree.
Yeah?
Hey, you know, last time I checked,
Foo-Lin was a pretty, single lady.
Hello! Let's dial that up.
Well, you boys were out there forever.
Just having a little guy talk. Everything's copacetic, right, Nelson?
Kate, I'm in love with you. Drop this clown and run away with me.
What?
The flowers weren't for you. They're for Kate.
Foo-Lin, it's not what you...
I can't believe you!
I have one chance in a million and you steal him!
Could you move?
Excuse me! Oh, forget it!
Don't look at my ass!
This is humiliating!
- Nelson... - Kate, before you say no,
I need you to answer these questions.
When's the last time Larry brought you flowers?
What? Well, this is...
Don't answer, it's a trick question!
When was the last time he wrote a poem or sang a song for you?
Oh, well...
Kate, this guy is a bum.
To him, you're just the lady who talks during his favorite television show.
You crossed the line. Tell him, Kate!
- Actually, he kind of has a point. - What?
You're not really romantic anymore.
That's not true.
Larry, your idea of foreplay is telling me you peed.
It's a little hard to be romantic with your dad being in our house,
and you inviting Foo-Lin over every time she realizes she's old and alone.
I'm going to die a virgin.
Kate, come away with me now.
Mexico, Hawaii, Budapest.
- That's it, I'm killing you. - Don't touch him.
I just bought a tandem bicycle.
Enough!
A guy can't even get a massage around here.
Come on, sweetheart, suck it in. Pretend you're having a milkshake.
Both of you, sit on the couch and shut up.
- Yeah, but... - Shut it.
Okay, we all know Foo-Lin is crazy, but who gives a crap?
She's a panda, you're a panda.
This is the biggest no-brainer in the world.
- But... - Listen. You're new with women
and you're swinging for the fences.
Let me save you a lot of heartache: You're not a power hitter.
Just lay down a bunt, get on base
and thank the merciful Lord they even let you suit up.
Maybe you're right.
I guess I could at least give it a try with Foo-Lin.
- Great. - Wait a minute.
Did it ever occur to you that maybe I could do better?
No. That did not occur to me.
Good Lord, your whole species is meshuggah.
No wonder you're going extinct.
I deserve love!
Wrong! You're a middle-aged, fat, virgin panda.
You deserve Nelson.
Okay, Sarmoti, I'll try.
I'll try for you.
Okay. Now, panda, look at panda.
Panda, look back at panda.
Panda, ask panda out.
Foo-Lin, would you like to get a drink at the Watering Hole?
Yes. I'll have a drink with you.
Oh, that's so romantic.
Yeah, nobody cares. Let's hit the pool.
Look, Larry, I'm sorry about before.
I guess things were bothering me, but it's not that big a deal.
Thanks, honey. I never want...
Do you hear that?
We're all alone.
And I'm still in H-E-A-T.
- Wait. - What are you doing?
We don't know how much time we have.
That's okay.
- That's enough. - Okay, let's go.
Oh, it is happening!
The special joy!
Magic once again triumphs!
We are like gods, except without the unattractive facial hair.
Oh, God, this is so awkward.
Oh, hello.
What was I thinking? Office romances never work.